How I'd Really Reply To Interview Questions If I Had No Filter
And you probably would too...
I was dreading making the call to mom. She had been so hoping I’d get the job. I didn’t. Once the news had been broken and mom had consoled me, I told her about the interview. That’s where the fun began.
Some of the phone screen questions were ridiculous. If there’s one trait my entire family shares, it’s the tendency to ruthlessly mock the absurd. As I rattled off the list of stupid questions I was asked, we both sarcastically answered how we would’ve answered truthfully, instead of concocting an answer we knew the interviewer wanted to hear.
Somewhere along the way, between the rehearsed enthusiasm and polite dishonesty, interviewing became performances instead of conversations.
“After being out of the job market so long, what inspired you to jump back in?”
My mom immediately replied, “Money?” I told her that’s what I really wanted to say, but I replied, “I’m a problem solver. I really wanted a good challenge again.” Well, that’s half true. I am a problem solver. I can also transform into a halfway decent bullshit artist if needed. 😂
“I have developed this habit of liking to eat every day,” I said to mom.
“I enjoy getting to sleep indoors,” Mom followed. A little backstory, mom grew up desperately poor. She’s lived in shacks without indoor plumbing. She’s slept in tents and I’m not talking about camping. She has hated camping with the passion of a thousand burning suns all of her life, since she was forced to do it for far too long as a child.
“I like being able to buy clothes so I don’t have to go around naked.”
“I have dependents who rely on me… like my mortgage lender.”
“I have this medical condition where if I don’t eat, I eventually die.”
“My dog really, really likes peanut butter and I need to keep her in the manner to which she has become accustomed.”
This all led to a broader discussion of interview questions we’d answer honestly (or snarkily) if we could.
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Retired.”
“Not working here.”
“A beach on a tropical island somewhere.”
“Hopefully, still alive.”
“Why do you want to work here?”
“I don’t, really.”
“You’re hiring. I enjoy not being poor.”
“To sow seeds of discontent.”
“I want to see how much pain I can really endure.”
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“Answering stupid questions sarcastically if I can get away with it. Oh, wait, that might be one of my strengths.”
“I can’t bench press 100 pounds like I used to.”
“Chocolate.”
“Shiny objects.”
“Why should we hire you over other candidates?”
“If you don’t know the answer to that yourself, I can’t help you.”
“We work hard and we play hard. Would you fit in here?”
“Ah, yes. I love a good episode of burnout.”
“Describe your leadership style.”
“This isn’t a leadership role.”
“Sir, this is a Wendy’s.”
“What motivates you?”
“Well, it’s not going after dangling carrots, I tell you what.”
“Pain. Pain is a good motivator. If that’s what you’re offering, it’ll motivate me to say no to any job offer.”
“What would your coworkers say about you?”
“Well, since I’m the one answering the question, they’d say whatever I want them to say to make myself look good.”
“Did you want to ask them yourself? I can get their numbers for you.”
“What does success look like to you?”
“Surviving this place.”
“Retiring early.”
“How do you prioritize when everything is urgent?”
“Well, first I tell management how horribly they failed because if they had succeeded, not everything would be urgent.”
“I prioritize finding another job.”
“I prioritize putting in for vacation.”
“I prioritize lunch.”
“If everything is high priority, nothing is high priority.” ← I’ve actually used this one. It didn’t go over well with some managers.
“Tell me about a time you went above and beyond.”
“Ah, yes. Burnout.”
“Would you like the tale about my first bout of burnout or my second?”
“Small correction. It was ‘infinity and beyond’ and my name was Buzz back then.”
“Tell me about a time you disagreed with your manager.”
“Which one?”
“How much time do we have?”
“Do you want the novel or short story version?”
“How do you like to be managed?”
“I don’t.”
“As little as possible.”
“What type of work environment do you prefer?”
“PURE CHAOS!” (I mean, sometimes that lets you fly below the radar really well. 😉)
“Do you have a masseuse on call?”
“The beach. Can I work from the beach?”
“What does work-life balance mean to you?”
“It means I haven’t sold my soul to the company store.”
“I work 40 hours a week and forget you exist the rest of the time.”
“It means you actually let me have vacation instead of saying you theoretically support us taking vacation and then denying our leave requests.”
I could write these all day. I know that if I didn’t laugh about it all, I’d cry. And I really don’t like crying. So, I choose to laugh. That phone call with mom and our sarcastic riffs on corporate BS really lifted my spirits. That’s what laughing does, it releases endorphins and relieves stress, making you feel better.
My challenge to you, especially if you’re going through hard times right now, is to actively look for the funny things in life. Laugh at the absurdities. Find humor in how serious we humans take things that don’t need to be so serious. You will feel better if you allow yourself to laugh.
And especially, know that this season of hardship is just a season. Your Spring, a season of growing and prosperity, is just around the corner.
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Ya know, I often said those kinds of things out loud. I once answered the “Where do you see yourself in five years?” with “On a tropical island after becoming a successful author.”
HR interviewer actually laughed out loud.
I have this mental defect whereby I really don’t much care what power people think they might hold over me. If anything, it just emboldens me. 🤣
Probably good that I’m “retired.”
Interviewing is really the beginning of the performative nature of work 😐
Related to your story, here's a real one for you (which actually happened): A good-humored team of managers I worked with was conducting interviews for a position. They came across this one young guy and they asked him "why do you want this job?” He was a bit too young to understand the nuances of interviewing so he went with the honest approach. Him: “well….. I really like girls. And taking them on dates gets kind of expensive so I need a good job”. Little did he know that answer was well received by this team of managers. They loved it! And they hired him!