My Dog's LinkedIn Profile
If She Had One
As many of you many know, I’m unemployed. That means I have plenty of time on my hands to do things such as, well, this article about what my dog’s LinkedIn profile would look like.
We call her the “head of security” and she’s quite serious and professional about her job.
Head of Security | Residential Package Surveillance & Alert Systems
📍 Home Office
🔔 Always On Call (especially during nap hours)
Head of Security driving proactive delivery threat detection through bark-first alert systems and cross-window collaboration
About
Results-driven security leader with a strong background in perimeter awareness, vocal escalation strategies, and high-impact deterrence. Passionate about protecting assets (packages), people (my humans), and peanut butter (strategic fuel).
Known for a hands-on, paws-on leadership style, I bring urgency, presence, and volume to every engagement. I thrive in fast-paced environments where unexpected noises, delivery drivers, and suspicious birds require immediate response.
I believe security is not just a function — it’s a mindset.
And also a nap schedule.
Experience
Head of Security
Confidential Residential Organization
Full-time | On-site | No Remote Option
Spearheaded end-to-end delivery detection initiatives across Amazon, UPS, FedEx, and “guy in unmarked van” verticals
Reduced missed deliveries by one hundred percent through early-stage barking interventions
Implemented real-time whining escalation protocol when drivers linger beyond acceptable thresholds
Conducted continuous visual monitoring via window-based intelligence hubs
Championed work-life balance through structured naps between high-intensity incidents
📈 Impact:
• Zero package surprises
• Maximum human awareness
• Elevated household security posture
🔹 Core Competencies
Strategic Barking
Threat Detection & Noise Analysis
Cross-Functional Whining
Window Surveillance Operations
Peanut Butter Dependency Management
Walk-Based Performance Optimization
Stakeholder Alerting (Very Loud)
🔹 Certifications & Professional Development
✔ Certified Good Girl
✔ Advanced Barking, Level Three
✔ Peanut Butter Handling & Compliance
✔ Walk Safety Awareness Training
🔹 Thought Leadership
Regularly shares insights on:
Why proactive barking beats reactive apologies
The overlooked value of naps in high-performance teams
Peanut butter as a motivational framework
🔹 Interests
• Peanut butter (industry research)
• Walks (field audits)
• Naps (strategic recovery)
• Staring out the window at absolutely nothing
🔹 Open to Work
🚫 New roles
✅ New treats
✅ Strategic partnerships
✅ Endorsements from humans who “weren’t expecting that delivery”
This is too funny!