When Sinking In Quicksand, It's Ok To Ask For Help

Why Setting Ego and Pride Aside Will Get You Unstuck Faster

Growing up Gen-X, we thought quicksand would be much more of a danger in our lives. From Lost In Space to Wonder Woman to Fantasy Island, people were dramatically sinking in quicksand. It turns out physical quicksand wasn’t the danger we needed to worry about. It was situational quicksand… burnout, depression, financial troubles, chronic illness, job loss, grief, and the vicissitudes of life you get stuck in and can’t seem to get yourself out of.

I am fiercely independent. If I can do it myself, I will. That’s how I’ve always been. I’m a problem solver, a fixer. I used to believe that I could fix all my problems myself. And while that might be true, I have found that it usually took me a lot longer and it was a lot more difficult for me than if I had just asked for help early on because the harder I thrashed, the faster I sunk. That belief was not wrong, just inefficient. I spent more time in that quicksand than I should have.

The lesson I should have learned from the tv quicksand trope went right over my head for many years. Thrashing meant sinking quicker. Staying calm meant survival. Accepting help meant escape. I can’t recall when someone on tv escaped quicksand alone. They always had help. Strength didn’t get them out of the quicksand. Strategy did.

For some, especially fiercely independent people like me, asking for help can be hard. I’m the capable one. I’m the strong one. I don’t want to be a burden. I don’t want people judging me if I can’t handle this myself. I don’t want to owe anybody. Your identity can be wrapped up in these things and letting go of them feels like admitting you’re not as strong as you thought.

I’ve never had it easy. Since childhood, I’ve dealt with autoimmune issues. I pushed myself harder than I needed to in order to prove I was good enough and smart enough despite the health obstacles in my way. I was an athlete and an honor student. This shaped my belief that I had to handle everything myself. There came a point, probably in my mid-thirties, where I was tired of doing it all alone. It was too hard. I was used to hard. I had conquered hard my entire life. Somewhere along the line, hard started to conquer me.

Trying to get myself out of the metaphorical quicksand was costing me time, energy, health, and was wearing on me emotionally. If I would just swallow my pride and ask for help, I’d get out of that quicksand much quicker and with less damage. The weight of that situational quicksand is much less if it’s shared. The saying is very true, “A sorrow shared is a sorrow halved.”

Several people in my life have told me that I’m the strongest person they know. Over the years, I’ve redefined what strength means to me. Before, it meant brute forcing my way through my problems to resolution. Now, it means recognizing when the situational terrain has shifted, adapting my strategies, setting pride aside, and choosing survival in the quickest and easiest terms I can negotiate.

Now, in my fifties, I find myself deep in quicksand yet again. After seventeen months stuck in unemployment, I haven’t sunk. I’ve practiced staying calm. The help I called on early has kept me afloat until I can finally be pulled out of the bog. What did it cost me? It cost a lot less than if I had tackled it on my own… one or two conversations and an honest admission that I needed help.

If you’re currently sinking, it might be situational quicksand. It isn’t a personal failure if you can’t get out of it yourself. Remind yourself that you don’t get unstuck by strength. Thrashing about won’t help you. Remain calm. You don’t get out of quicksand alone. Ask yourself who could help you right now if you let them. Then, call for help.